Resolve

I am having a rough time cracking through the layer of petrified shit that ensconced 2014, to find the good stuff, the elements that are worth keeping, celebrating and repeating. Because I derailed myself, then was shoved around by abusive monsters, and momentum became a wobbly top at best. I have struggled with dangerous depression, tried to get on top of it by making it uncomfortably public, then retreated in confusion and doubt, allergic to humanity and fellowship.

I have found some sort of resolve only recently. This has not been accompanied by comfort, and, sliding into 2015, I’m realizing that “comfort” might be an invalid concept. I hit a similar realization regarding “closure,” how we inflate these panacea concepts and struggle to forge catch-all buckets. Life cannot be simple, though. That is, simplicity is the opposite of life. Simplicity is the burnout of nuance and the unknown, a wish for linear predictability, with major events, opportunities and challenges approaching slowly as well-labeled off-ramps. Simplicity is bullshit. It is the tail end of a comprehensive lobotomy.

The ideal “comfort” that hangs out on the cognitive fringe is peripheral, disappears with direct focus. Life is messy, frightening. You rely on people who step up to the plate (your plate, their own plate, some sort of freaking plate). You rely on people who seem consistently intent on proving their own shitty unreliability or narcissism. You rely on children and lovers and cats and dogs. You rely on the additive and destructive dynamics of all of those interwoven elements, and it’s a swirling stew, both tempest and aurora. None of it is particularly comfortable in the sense of calm stasis, and the whole is so nuanced and fluid that it is gloriously unpredictable.

The thing that made 2014 so difficult was not the overwhelming complexity. It was the exclusion of “self” from the tapestry. I placed myself outside of the Venn diagram, so the roiling beast was something I needed to manage or flee, some “thing” that I viewed as separate. This alienation started with skipping the simple necessity of relying my self. I didn’t throw myself into the mix.

So now I’m going to do that. That’s the resolve. Goals and ambitions will shift about and clarify. But none of that will have meaning or permanence without the initial participation, without relaxing my personal expectations enough to allow myself to be the weird, creative, cranky, goof-ass person I am, and to start with that. The rely on it. Find comfort in the core instead of somewhere in the shimmer.

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